/ Turpentine, erase me whole /

Adorable reply about boobs or people being "too big"

Sometimes, I just feel like crying

6:35am

Why? I don’t even know. 

This new boy, Nate, makes me really nervous. Punk, smart, funny, into Homestuck, MLP, and MtG, and super attractive. He also looks a little like oldBen, which I don’t know how to feel about. 

I wrote him a message today: 

So, I don’t wanna be too forward with this message, but I did wanna say something, because I think it’s important to be honest and forthcoming about everything a person is feeling when communicating with a potential whatever-this-may-be.

I like you, and I think you’re goddamned awesome. We have a ton in common and I really enjoy talking to you. On top of all that, you’re incredibly fucking attractive, and I can’t wait to see that awesome fucking mohawk in person.

That said, I’m worried that this is somehow turning into something purely sexual, which -for me- would be a bummer. I mean, we haven’t been talking very long and we don’t know each other that well, but I would hate for this to get railroaded into a purely sexual relationship, whether we meet or not.

Also, when things get too sexual too quickly with someone, I tend to lose interest, and I’d hate to see that happen. 

I don’t wanna come off as psycho, but I think it’s really important to address this early. There have been a few times where this problem has ruined the relationship I was developing with a person. You seem too damn cool, and I’d hate to let that happen.

OK WELL >_> I’m done rambling and sounding like a derp. Hope this made sense and got across the message I was intending.

Here’s hoping I don’t scare him the fuck off with my crazy.

////

It seems to be getting easier to get over oldBen, now. I read some of my old blogs and I’m slowly realizing… he was not a good boyfriend after he went back to Alabama. I think he fell out of love with me quickly, after he got back, and fell so hard for his now-girlfriend that I didn’t even notice. 

Seriously. How do you not notice that your boyfriend stopped loving you?

Also, I’m starting to realize that internet relationships can make someone more perfect in your head than they are in real life… and I maybe put him on a pedestal in my mind. 

But reading those old blogs is helping me get over him. I am truly grateful that I document the painful (and also not-so-painful) parts of my life. It is wonderful to go back and read these things, to remind myself what the fuck is exactly going on.

Also, I visited his tumblr today and it said “god i suck”, which makes me feel good. I use hatred and spite to get over people. Hopefully, laughing at his terrible life will make me feel better. I know just thinking about 

• him being super depressed
• his girlfriend who’s afraid of penis and sex, and would rather masturbate to ships of Homestuck characters
• his small penis
• his mediocre drawings

all make me smile.

Enjoy your faillife, oldBen.  

Breakup

5:52am

Broke up with Michele today… he took it surprisingly well. I love him, I really do, but I feel like our relationship wasn’t right. It wasn’t right from the beginning. 

Luckily, this is not a relationship I’ll regret. I loved being there for him and we had fun. I didn’t like that he didn’t like my body or that he had anger issues, or was kind of a derp when it came to my emotions, but he was never a BAD boyfriend.

I look back on this relationship and smile, and since I know he’ll read this, I’d like to take the time to tell him: I’d love to remain friends and continue to be your emotional support when you need it. You’re an awesome guy and you’re only getting more awesome.

Just remember what he said…

5:55am

“I am a coward, always will be.”

“I’m a silly stupid boy who doesn’t know how to not be an asshole.”

“I’m sorry I’m like this.”

He wasn’t even a good boyfriend, Marla. He wasn’t that attractive, he wasn’t incredibly intelligent, he wasn’t an amazing lover. He was just some cute nerd boy that made you feel special. He’s hurt you a bunch and continues to do so, so just… let it go. It’s okay to be happy and remember the past but… let the pain go.

You have awesome people in your life, and you’ll continue finding awesome people. Promise.

All the pins I made today. :]

Poly frustrations

12:45pm

Why can’t everyone just get along and not be jealous? That’d be great, thanks.

Jason Hobbs

5:45pm

Today, Jason Hobbs, a kid from high school who was incredibly cool and attractive (and also kinda mean to me in high school) said:

Marla Acquaviva-Muis </3 

Yesterday at 11:05am ·

Polyamory Jealousy Worksheet

5:10am

This is something I made years ago when I was first trying out polyamory with my current partner. Every time I felt jealous, I would go to this worksheet and answer each question. If you would like to use it, feel free to.

I left what my partner wrote about me, to help you understand what that section is for. When you both have a moment, explain that you’re making this worksheet to help you deal with jealousy when it arrises. Then, ask them to fill out the “things [xe] likes about you” section, to help you remind yourself that your partner loves you, and what specifically they love about you.

Hope this helps someone! 

(The first 2 questions are supposed to be no-brainers, to help yourself remind your brain “Yes, xe loves me, no xe is not abandoning me [just because xe is on a date].)

(The next 3 questions are based on this article: http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm)

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

——-Fill in when feeling jealous——

Does he love you? 

Is he abandoning you?

Is it jealousy, or envy?

If it is envy, what are they doing that you want to do?

If it is jealousy, is it founded or unfounded?

How would you want him to act in this instance, if he were you?

Do you honestly believe  his new partner is doing something malicious?

——-The things you bring to your relationship, or that he likes about you———

(remember these are not necessarily things that she doesn’t have, or that are better than her, just things that you have. Don’t lessen these things just because she has them too!) 

You’re cute. You make me smile. You cook for me. You give spectacular blowjobs. You type at a reasonable speed. :P You’re a good kisser. Fun to cuddle with. You put up with my shit. ;) You have pretty eyes. Spectacular tits. You make entertaining characters for LARP. The way you rub my head. To be cont…

——Things to remember——

Is being alone really all that bad? Are you really so undesirable a person that you will never have a partner again if you lose the one you’re with? Of COURSE not!

Did he do something that neither one of you knew would cause a problem? If you weren’t aware of them, then how could your partner have known?

Remember compersion! Strive for it! 

Do something that makes YOU happy. Music, games, friends, cooking, or animals. Don’t depend on him to fix everything.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

This worksheet is to address little problems and more to eliminate silly jealousies. It’s meant to have you look analytically at your problem and decipher whether this is something silly (like misreading your partners actions) or nothing at all (perceived by feeling lonely and wallowing in self pity when your partner is out on a new date for 5 hours).  Larger problems need to be thought out more logically.

This worksheet is merely to help evaluate your problems when you’re in a tizy of jealousy that you can’t get out from under, and it was caused by little to nothing at all.

New Ben

4:27am

He said, “You might be the best possible cuddler… You fit together with me like…. Tetris.”

Michael - St. Valentines Day

1:30am

“Roses are red, violets are blue, holy fuck you’re awesome.”

“You’re better than a dream; whilst both of you apparitions possess beauty, you have the clear advantage; that is, being real. Aphrodite sculpted your skin, Iris painted your eyes, Eros pointed you out to me. A better jolt than lightening, a greater majesty than typhoons; nature can but hold a candle to you. You’ve reduced my mind to static, you’ve made me apologize; you’ve made me happy, and I bow to you and that. I love you.”

And my favorite, so far, Homestuck poetry:

“More challenging than a kismesis; more loving than a matesprite; more levelheaded than an auspitice; more caring than amoirail; you’ve filled all my quadrants.”

‘shrooms

11:45

On ‘shrooms, I feel stupid. I feel anxious. I feel like people are judging me. Especially if they are not on ‘shrooms. and even then, they aren’t tripping as hard as I am… Say they are tripping as hard as I am, I’m just so annoying! THey will judge me, and if they aren’t judging me, I will judge me when I’m sober. I know I roll my eyes at drunk or trippy people, especially if I feel like I have to take care of them, I’m like, UGH I can’t enjpy my night, this person is all over me. That person is me. I feel guilty. I feel so guilty, omg, this is insane. 

I’m letting people down all the time. This is what it must be like to be crazy. These are my most inner thoughts, dude, stop reading! 

so the thing thats making me feel the most anxious and guilty about is Chanelle. I could have gotten her fucked up on shrooms and I didnt even think. I feel terrible but I’ll make it up to her.

I am so selfish, I think about it often, but i can maintain it and push it down. Now, it just boils at the surface and I just feel like a bad person. I am a terrible person. 

Sorry about not caring about spelling and punctuation, shroooms, you silly girl.

I AM SO STUPID, AND THE SHROOMS ONLY AMPLIFY HOW STUPID I ACTUALLY AM. 

I NEED GENUINE HELP FROM A THERAPIST. I AM NOT OKAY. I feel like I am lying about how okay I am. I feel like an idiot and a lost soul in this open void. 

When I write blogs, I am writing like someone else will be reading, and judging. It feels like I’m lying about how stupid I am., how alone I feel. I don’t tell anyone, so I bury them and then it gets worse and bubbles up. I can’t even be okay by myself, because I feel, “what if someone were watching me, they would think I’m stupid or crazy or gross” or whatever. 

I am crazy and shrooms are not my drug. I do not act like this on DXM, sadly it makes me vom. But you know, I feel like this all the time. I’m some stupid idiot trying to figure themselves out. STOP JUDGING OTHERS ON THEIR PATH TO FEELING OKAY WITH THE WORLD. Because you know you feel like this, even when you’re sober. You just hide it better.

I am crazy, but I am starting to think that we’re all like this. THIS BELONGS ON REDDIT.

I keep seraching for a place to feel; okay but I don’t. Even sober I feel like I’m just hiding this. Now I’m just going back and forth, no one can understnad me.

NOT EVEN MYSELF!!! 

Also, Chanelle is a bitch and is making fun of me. ——Chanelle.

Excited

5:10pm

I cannot wait til this weekend. Gonna see Kirksey…

Dreams

6:25pm

2 people within the past 2 days have told me they’ve had a sex dream about me. Hm.